Love?...

"I wish you loved me"

"I wish somebody loved me..."

I don't really know what to feel right now... It's like I'm forcing to love someone, even if i do know that i don't love anyone in particular right now...
I guess this is just normal when every close friend you have is actually having 'that someone'...

I don't want anyone in particular right now... but somehow I'm looking for 'that someone'...I know that i won't find him no matter how hard i try, coz i know it isn't my time to have one yet...But somehow i just can't control this longing i have... and because of this, I'm being selfish...Selfish in a way that i am pretending to love someone by expressing this so called 'love'...Selfish in a way that 'that someone' might actually accept my love...my fake love...

I don't want that...

Good thing that the person whom i pretended to love wasn't attracted to me in any way.I feel horrible doing such thing... now i can really see that a woman's greatest betrayer is her heart..I don't want to pretend for the sake of filling up this longingness, triggered by jealousy of not having 'that someone'...It's time to grow up, time to control my feelings and not let it control me...It's time to see the word 'love' in a different perspective, a perspective into which i can respect it...

Love isn't all about fun and games...

I know what i did wasn't right, i know what i decided to do wasn't right...But dwelling on what i did wrong in the past, won't change what's a head of me...I must accept that what i did was wrong, and aim to do what's right next..Love isn't something that i should play with, it is something into which i should be serious & careful of..Love has a huge responsibility attached to it, & unless i can't carry that, i cannot love..

It's time to grow up...

It isn't my time, and i must accept that... Love doesn't only exist between lovers, they also exist within friends...The love that i have now is existing within my circle of friends, and that is where i have to focus on..I must let go of my selfish desires... i don't really need 'that someone' right now...Coz i already have God in me... this longingness I've been feeling is just a selfish thing...

God is in me, He stays with me, He gives me joy & fulfillment...what more could i simply ask? :)

"Someone did and is still loving me..."

I won't have & won't look for my special someone right now... coz i decided to grow up and wait...:)

Confusion

Lately, confusion has striked me again...

For the past few weeks, i was always eager to read my Bible and pray to God, up until now actually,
But for some desperate reason... I feel that i must do something that i am not doing...
I must do something that I am capable of doing, but i am so unaware of it...
I wonder what it is...
I felt like i've missed to do it a lot of times, but it just keeps on going back...

I feel like God is opening up a door infront of me, but all I can see is a small rat hole...
I feel like God is there right in front of me with open arms..
But i don't seem to be moving an inch... I want to run, but i can't move...
I wonder why I'm feeling this way...What is this?....

Afterwards...

I am also confused with my feelings.. I've met a guy recently...
ANd for some reason i think i'm falling for him..
But i am not sure if i am really personally falling for him,
Or its the circumstances that made me fall...

I don't have serious feelings for him, but then i never can stop thinking of him..
I can't even stand seeing him sad, or i can't stop smiling when he's around...
The way he glances at me makes me fall more, even if he doesn't know that i can see...
Oh when he pats my head , makes me the happiest girl in this world...

He always tels me the things that i want to hear, see the things i want him to see...
He never fails to make me smile, never fails to make me feel accepted...
He's like an older brother to me, or is it more than that?...
But then feelings are easily captured, but commitments are harder to catch...

I don't know why i feel this way..i never felt this way before...
I don't want to fall for him, coz i don't want to ruin a blooming friendship...
I've only known him for a month, i know this feelings aren't true..
But why can't my head stop thinking of him?...confusion i can say...

I feel like writing a narrative song...

Verse I

Recently I've met you
You've brightened up my day
Up to the shadows of the night,
YOu never fail to paint a smile.

You always tell me the things i want to hear,
See the things I want you to see,
Never failing to let me feel i exist...
Like an older brother, or is it more than that?

Chorus

Is this true?
Am i falling for you?
Oh please tell me so...
But i really think this isn't true..

But your simple glances, that you think i ddnt see,
Makes me feel secured and loved...
Oh when you pat my head every time we meet,
Makes me feel special and protected...

Verse II

I know you're like this with all your friends,
That's why i want to keep this feelings aside,
Knowing that you'll only see me as a lil sis,
and nothing more or less than that...

This blooming friendship of ours, can't make me fall,
I don't want you to think of me differently,
I want you to stay the way you are...
But sometimes i can't help but slip and fall...

Bridge

I don't know why i feel this way..i never felt this way before...
I don't want to fall, but cannot lie to my heart as well...
I've only known you recently, i know this feelings aren't true..
But why can't my head stop thinking of you?...

Now i'm confused...is he the one hindering me from seeing the huge door that God has placed in front of me?....

(Artwork by www.luciole.deviantart.com)