How are you?

‎I haven't been going to church for a while because of a personal problem. When i came back, I expected you to say "Hey, what happened, are you okay? I haven't seen you for awhile", but rather you said, "Hey, you haven't been going to church, go back okay?"

Imagine going to church with a heavy heart, wanting to hear empathy from people you thought who are close with God, who are sensitive to His voice, who are spiritually matured to comfort and give spiritual advice and all of a sudden all you get is a “Go back to church okay?”

How insensitive.

You want to run to God but you don’t exactly know how to. So you go to church to receive wisdom or a prayer at least; but no. What you got was a slap on the face. “Go back to church okay?” It’s as if saying “Hey I want you to stay in church, but right now I really don’t have time to listen to you, whatever you’re facing let the church help you, go to the pastors, that’s their job. My job is to make you stay here.”

So is church all just about the numbers of people who go in? Yes it’s true that people go to church to receive wisdom from the message of the pastor, but there are people who need something more than that. They need encouragement, they need someone to care, and they need a lending ear. What is the essence of church now a day? Is it just plain about the pulpit and the performances and the flow of the program? Then when church is over, Christianity is over as well??

Yes it is the pastor’s duty to help those who are in need spiritually; but the pastors can’t do it alone! You are a member of that church because you are there to support the pastors! What is so hard about asking someone “How are you?” what is so hard about listening to someone’s burdens for a couple of minutes and pray for them? Every single person in this world holds a burden; what is so hard about caring for them for a few minutes? A single “How are you” could actually enlighten them. Just to know that someone cares is good enough. What is more fulfilling than making someone happy or at peace?

And oh by the way, the last sentence on the first paragraph? I was the one who said that.

Shattered Dreams

I was there, just a step away from my dream and capish! My dreams were scattered into pieces.

Have you ever been in my situation? You know you where about to reach your dream! You were THIS close and yet it all went down. Getting fired from your job when you expected a promotion, getting disqualified for the art entry you passed just because the dimensions were wrong, or going to your art dream school outside the country as a scholar, but your visa was denied. Yeah i can relate, mine was the last one. I was THIS close to going to my art dream school, but my visa hindered me so.

I could blame everyone, i could blame that man who interviewed me, blame my country for being a 3rd world country, blame my mentors for not advising me about my visa, blame the authorities for crushing a youth's dream, blame myself for being not good enough, or i can even blame God for not being with me.

Thing is… what can blaming or complaining do? what? WHAT?

And also… God WAS with me… Now the bigger question is, why did He let my dream be shattered? It's been nine months and I am still recovering, trying to stand up but i can't seem to, coz maybe, just maybe, I'm missing the point.

I've been trying to stand up… That's the problem. I've been doing it alone. Being crushed, do you think i could really stand up alone? No way! NO WAY!… I could never do it alone. Think about it, you trip and hurt your leg so badly, you think you could stand up alone? NO. You need someone to support you… You need that 'push' wether be it a helping hand or an inspirational word. I just can't do it alone…

Until now i don't understand why God let this happen… But one thing is for sure if this is not from Him - He is bigger than my circumstances, He is bigger than my dreams and when He closes a door, He opens a gate. I will continue to trust in Him. BUT if this is FROM Him… Then i really better think twice and look deeper. He wouldn't let something like this happen if it wasn't for my own good…

Wait…

I think that's the point. The reason why i couldn't stand up again is that, I feel like God hates me for my imperfection… When the truth is, He loves me so much to the point that He wouldn't let me reach my dream unprepared. I mean who would let a warrior go out in the field without his shield and sword?

It takes time to polish a beautiful diamond. I guess my dream is as precious to God as it is for me, all i have to do now is trust in Him… All this time, when i thought He left me, when i thought that He didn't care, when i thought i wasn't good enough… He was actually trusting me. He knows that i could get thru this even if i don't. He knows that i will stand up even when i have given up. He knows me more than i know myself. I don't deserve this, but He gave it to me.

All i could do right now is thank Him.

Why blame everyone and complain about everything? When it's much more fulfilling and heartwarming to thank God despite everything? :) Trust His Heart… He knows what He's doing. :) And maybe... just maybe... He has a different, bigger dream for me. : )

(Art By www.orangebutt.deviantart.com)

Who’s Sitting in your heart’s throne?

I'm here, but I want to be there.

Have you ever felt like you were supposed to be somewhere else? It's like wearing a bathing suit in North Pole.

I've been with YWAM for almost four years now. I've always wanted to stay in YWAM. The adventure I've longed for is right there and it's all for God. :) I thought I was the one of the few who'd stay there, but no. God had other plans. I was one of the few who'd leave indefinitely.

I am now studying in a normal college. I'll be having a normal life for three years. Yes it's hard. I mean being able to be outside there! and now being stuck inside again. It's like being free and now being imprisoned again.

I was full of doubts. So full of questions. So full of disappointments. I obeyed God, but i reasoned a lot too. I wanted to be in that adventure! I wanted to climb that mountain.

Thing is.

I am not prepared. Yes the desire to climb that mountain is there. It's burning with passion. But what is that without the proper training? I cannot climb a mountain without proper training! Coz if i do, i'd fall down easily.

That is one thing that i couldn't accept. That I am not good enough. I am not trained enough… and then that's when i realized that I need to be humbled by Him. I was depending so much on my own will, my own strength, when i should be depending on Him. I focused so much on my calling that i forgot who called me.

I went to an evangelistic event yesterday. A talented street dancer gave his testimony and explained about our heart's throne. Who is sitting there, God or Me? As I was listening i was like… "This is for the unbelievers, i do hope they understand." The guy demonstrated it well. He pointed at a huge speaker and said, "…this is your throne." Then he sat down on the speaker,"… pretend that you're me and I am sitting on my throne." That struck me.

I am full of doubts lately.

Because the plans that i thought God made for me didn't push through. I'm in college now. I keep asking God why am i here, when i want to be out there, to reach out, through YWAM. I want to be out there. I want to do something out of the ordinary. I want this, I want that, I want... I realized, that the one that's sitting in my throne right now is 'me'. That message was for unbelievers, but it was a great reminder for the believers. I got so focused on my calling, that i forgot who called me. God is humbling me right now. He's humbling me BIG time.

God placed me in this school, for a reason. I will know that reason later on. But as on now, i should understand that I may not know His plans, but for sure, it's for the best. :)

It's hard. It's REALLY hard… but I know God wouldn't give me a challenge that i could not handle. God gave this challenge to me because He believes in me. He trusts me. All i have is Him. All i have is faith. I can do this by His grace.

I may not be where i want to be, but i know that I am where God wants me to be. :)

(Art By www.ferreson.deviantart.com)