Growing up

It's tough. It's impossible. It's a decision. It's a choice. It's growing up. It's called maturity.

I've been a childish person ever since forever. I loved being praised of how i look, I loved being called 'cute', I loved being teased of my small voice, I loved being treated food, I loved being smiled at by adults, I loved being patted on the head, I loved having my hair messed up, I loved being care-free, I loved every single thing of being a Kid... I loved it... Yet I asked myself, will I be like this forever? will I be a kid forever? I wonder... when am I going to ever grow up?...

It's a dilemma, It's an identity crisis..

I love the way I am, I love how people treat me, but then lately I felt that there's is something wrong. I felt like, I should be doing something right now that i can't seem to picture out. I'm turning eighteen next year... is it okay to stay like this even if I turn eighteen? The answer is... no, i cannot. I am an irresponsible person, I am lazy, I can't act what i always say, I can't make decisions for myself, I fantasize a lot, & I am selfish on my own little ways... People may say this is right about me, some may say not. All i can say is that, this is the other side of me... I want to become a better person, someone that my parents can call "A real woman". Someone who can go on by herself without burdening much people, someone who can actually do household chores and cook for the family, someone who can make her mother proud, someone who can stand on the ground by herself.

But then, I want to stay as a Kid at the same time i want to be a Woman...

I told this to some of my friends, and some of them said that it's okay to be childish even if your twenty or even older, It's okay to be childish.. I mean hey, they're right, i mean this is my personality, why should i change?... yeah.. that's the question... why must i change?...Why should i turn into a woman & turn away from being a girl?...

Why?.... Why?....

Is it because... by choosing to be a woman, i can finally walk into my purpose in life? I can finally be an instrument for God's calling? I can be a real Christian?... ... I believe, this is the reason... Growing up simply means, offering my life to Christ & make Him use my life the way He planned it to be... It's time to open my ears to His commands, open my eyes to the path He creates, open my arms to the work He has bestowed upon me, open my heart to the people who needs to know Him, & open my mind into growing up, to become a woman.. Shiriel is my name & I'll grow into a woman soon, I made this choice, i did not just based this on my feelings..:)

(Art by Tony Taka)

Love?...

"I wish you loved me"

"I wish somebody loved me..."

I don't really know what to feel right now... It's like I'm forcing to love someone, even if i do know that i don't love anyone in particular right now...
I guess this is just normal when every close friend you have is actually having 'that someone'...

I don't want anyone in particular right now... but somehow I'm looking for 'that someone'...I know that i won't find him no matter how hard i try, coz i know it isn't my time to have one yet...But somehow i just can't control this longing i have... and because of this, I'm being selfish...Selfish in a way that i am pretending to love someone by expressing this so called 'love'...Selfish in a way that 'that someone' might actually accept my love...my fake love...

I don't want that...

Good thing that the person whom i pretended to love wasn't attracted to me in any way.I feel horrible doing such thing... now i can really see that a woman's greatest betrayer is her heart..I don't want to pretend for the sake of filling up this longingness, triggered by jealousy of not having 'that someone'...It's time to grow up, time to control my feelings and not let it control me...It's time to see the word 'love' in a different perspective, a perspective into which i can respect it...

Love isn't all about fun and games...

I know what i did wasn't right, i know what i decided to do wasn't right...But dwelling on what i did wrong in the past, won't change what's a head of me...I must accept that what i did was wrong, and aim to do what's right next..Love isn't something that i should play with, it is something into which i should be serious & careful of..Love has a huge responsibility attached to it, & unless i can't carry that, i cannot love..

It's time to grow up...

It isn't my time, and i must accept that... Love doesn't only exist between lovers, they also exist within friends...The love that i have now is existing within my circle of friends, and that is where i have to focus on..I must let go of my selfish desires... i don't really need 'that someone' right now...Coz i already have God in me... this longingness I've been feeling is just a selfish thing...

God is in me, He stays with me, He gives me joy & fulfillment...what more could i simply ask? :)

"Someone did and is still loving me..."

I won't have & won't look for my special someone right now... coz i decided to grow up and wait...:)

Confusion

Lately, confusion has striked me again...

For the past few weeks, i was always eager to read my Bible and pray to God, up until now actually,
But for some desperate reason... I feel that i must do something that i am not doing...
I must do something that I am capable of doing, but i am so unaware of it...
I wonder what it is...
I felt like i've missed to do it a lot of times, but it just keeps on going back...

I feel like God is opening up a door infront of me, but all I can see is a small rat hole...
I feel like God is there right in front of me with open arms..
But i don't seem to be moving an inch... I want to run, but i can't move...
I wonder why I'm feeling this way...What is this?....

Afterwards...

I am also confused with my feelings.. I've met a guy recently...
ANd for some reason i think i'm falling for him..
But i am not sure if i am really personally falling for him,
Or its the circumstances that made me fall...

I don't have serious feelings for him, but then i never can stop thinking of him..
I can't even stand seeing him sad, or i can't stop smiling when he's around...
The way he glances at me makes me fall more, even if he doesn't know that i can see...
Oh when he pats my head , makes me the happiest girl in this world...

He always tels me the things that i want to hear, see the things i want him to see...
He never fails to make me smile, never fails to make me feel accepted...
He's like an older brother to me, or is it more than that?...
But then feelings are easily captured, but commitments are harder to catch...

I don't know why i feel this way..i never felt this way before...
I don't want to fall for him, coz i don't want to ruin a blooming friendship...
I've only known him for a month, i know this feelings aren't true..
But why can't my head stop thinking of him?...confusion i can say...

I feel like writing a narrative song...

Verse I

Recently I've met you
You've brightened up my day
Up to the shadows of the night,
YOu never fail to paint a smile.

You always tell me the things i want to hear,
See the things I want you to see,
Never failing to let me feel i exist...
Like an older brother, or is it more than that?

Chorus

Is this true?
Am i falling for you?
Oh please tell me so...
But i really think this isn't true..

But your simple glances, that you think i ddnt see,
Makes me feel secured and loved...
Oh when you pat my head every time we meet,
Makes me feel special and protected...

Verse II

I know you're like this with all your friends,
That's why i want to keep this feelings aside,
Knowing that you'll only see me as a lil sis,
and nothing more or less than that...

This blooming friendship of ours, can't make me fall,
I don't want you to think of me differently,
I want you to stay the way you are...
But sometimes i can't help but slip and fall...

Bridge

I don't know why i feel this way..i never felt this way before...
I don't want to fall, but cannot lie to my heart as well...
I've only known you recently, i know this feelings aren't true..
But why can't my head stop thinking of you?...

Now i'm confused...is he the one hindering me from seeing the huge door that God has placed in front of me?....

(Artwork by www.luciole.deviantart.com)

Something More...

It's amazing how a simple inspiration can lead me to great imaginations and realiztaions...

For the past few weeks I've been having peer pressure...
Being in a huge university made me feel inferior..
It made me change to someone I am not..
I've been trying to be 'different' but i tried with the wrong solution...

I thought making myself 'pretty' will make me different..
SO i became a girly gurl. I've applied make up recently,
I've been more concious with the way i dress and act,
Vanity has struck me for these past weeks..

I've been trying 'Too Hard'...

Everyday i noticed that this isnt me...
I talked differently recently and i've become moody.
I've had a bad temper and I'm very impolite now...
I'm not the sweet person i once knew i was...

I changed for the worst, jsut because i was trying 'Too Hard'

It's time to realize that there is more to life...
I just have to dig deeper and soon i'll discover a treasure within...
I am already pretty and different, i don't have to try 'too hard' anymore..
"Yabang" as you say it... but i know i'm pretty and different,

Coz God made me perfectly the way I am

I don't have to focus on my physical appearance anymore,
but rather focus with what's deep within...
There's a man for me out there i know,
I don't have to try 'too hard', coz he's the one who'll look for me...

I am a princess, not a prince...:)

It's tough being in an environment that makes me feel little,
but who cares about what others think?
I am me, and i love myself, because God loves me...:)
What more could i ask?

Looks? ATtention? Popularity? Wealth?
*sigh* Who needs them?
When i've got God in my heart..
What more could i ask?

Nothing...ü

Missin'

I really really miss drawing... Its been awhile since i last drew and i feel uber bad...

I miss imagining concepts..
I miss using my imagination to its wildest points...
I miss creating thin and thick strokes...
I miss erasing the smallest mistakes...
I miss coloring in the computer...
I miss smiling at my finished arts...
I miss uploading on DeviantArt...
I miss my works....
I miss my art..
I just miss it..

-Sigh-

Its really hard to balance my passion with my studies..

College isn't as easy as i thought,
College is about using my intellectual side to the max!
College is about passing and failing!
College is about studying in details!
College is about researching!
College is about standing up, once fallen!
College is about having a goal!
College is about learning!
College is reality! College is tough!
COme to think of it..c0llege is practically just the same as drawing..
Though this time I'm not facing fantasy no more, but rather reality..
It's tough, but when i first drew, it was tough as well...
but then as time went by and as i kept on pursuing to improve...
I began to have a passion on drawing and i enjoyed it changed me...
I believe c0llege is als0 like that..
AT first its tough...it's very tough..
But as time passes by and as i improve...
I will enjoy it and start to gain passion into having high grades...
C0llege is a huge responsibility, and i shouldn't be afraid of it...
C0z God is much more bigger than c0llege...

I can do this, with God by my side? Nothing is impossible...
It might be tough, but God is there to be with me...
SO what shall i fear? When God is so near!...ü

-SecretMilkShake-