Chance

I am spiritually drained right now. I don't even understand my faith. It goes up and down. It's lukewarm. It's not right.

I had my eyes on a macbook pro of a close friend of mine. I wanted to buy it once i was sure that i could buy it. But when i was sure, somebody else bought it. Imagine how much tears ran down my cheeks. I was so hurt, I felt so stupid, I felt so lame. There was a chance and I let it go just because I wasn't sure. Just because I didn't have the means. Where the heck was my faith?

My friend offered his laptop to me, if i wanted to get it. We had a conversation once and he said that he already has a buyer. And that buyer had all the means of paying for it, but then my friend still told me that he wanted to sell it to someone who needs it, to the point that he actually told me that if I'll buy it i can pay it by parts. I didn't say anything.

Now I am regretting it.

I realized that it was my only chance of getting that laptop. That only chance and the chance would never ever come back again. I lost the chance, because of my ignorance, because of my doubts.

I cried and cried. That chance I had with my friend, that conversation came back to my thoughts over and over and over again. Each time crushing my heart, crushing my joy deep inside.

So finally i told my dad about it. Then my dad said something that made me calm down. He said "If it's for you it'll come back, if it not, that means something better is coming."

That calmed me down and made me think for awhile. That's when I realized something important.

I was focusing too much on what I need that i lost something more important than all of these. I lost my time with God. I lost time with my Creator, the giver of this gift. I lost time with someone who cares more than anyone else in this world.

I lost the chance with that laptop, I thought there would never be no hope no more. I saw how much a belittled my God. I saw how much I was depending on what the world can give. I lost my focus. I lost my very precious time with God.

God loves me so much and that blows my mind right now. Here I am worrying, doubting, crying, when God is there looking at me wanting to reach me out, wanting to touch me, wanting to give me the answer to my needs. But here i was neglecting him, ignoring Him. I got so sad, i got so depressed because I ignored the CHANCE, not knowing that I ignored my GOD. All i could do was repent. All i could do was cry in shame, all i could do was ask for forgiveness.

I was so focused on my little world, my concerns, my worries, my stress, my problems. While God is waiting for me to look to Him. I lost my focus. I forgot that I am doing all this for God alone. I forgot that I want to finish my schooling for God's Kingdom. I focused more on what I can do, rather than what God can do through me.

What are my ideas, what is my creativity? When the person to whom I am doing all of these is absent within my perspective. Right now as I am writing, my thoughts are still floating off. I don't know how to get it back down. I was too focused on what the world can give me, I lost what God would give me.

I lost my chance with the laptop? Compare that with I lost my time with God.

Right now someone just texted me and I read it. Where was my focus?! I should be focused here writing my heart out, writing my revelations about God. But no a simple txt distracts me. I want to cry, I want to grab the hand of God and never ever let it go.

I miss God. I miss Him so much. I want to say I love you to him from the deepest core of my heart.

Right now I don't even care about the laptop anymore, I don't care about the visa anymore. I don't care about the school anymore. I lost my precious time with God. What is more important than that? I don't care if I will go to Kona or not, whatever God wants I will kneel down. If i can't go I just know that God has better plans for me. God isn't like the people I know that promises me something and breaks it later on... No... God isn't like that. God keeps His promise, answers it His way, not mine.

I need time with God I need to talk to Him right now.

Shiriel

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