Shattered Dreams

I was there, just a step away from my dream and capish! My dreams were scattered into pieces.

Have you ever been in my situation? You know you where about to reach your dream! You were THIS close and yet it all went down. Getting fired from your job when you expected a promotion, getting disqualified for the art entry you passed just because the dimensions were wrong, or going to your art dream school outside the country as a scholar, but your visa was denied. Yeah i can relate, mine was the last one. I was THIS close to going to my art dream school, but my visa hindered me so.

I could blame everyone, i could blame that man who interviewed me, blame my country for being a 3rd world country, blame my mentors for not advising me about my visa, blame the authorities for crushing a youth's dream, blame myself for being not good enough, or i can even blame God for not being with me.

Thing is… what can blaming or complaining do? what? WHAT?

And also… God WAS with me… Now the bigger question is, why did He let my dream be shattered? It's been nine months and I am still recovering, trying to stand up but i can't seem to, coz maybe, just maybe, I'm missing the point.

I've been trying to stand up… That's the problem. I've been doing it alone. Being crushed, do you think i could really stand up alone? No way! NO WAY!… I could never do it alone. Think about it, you trip and hurt your leg so badly, you think you could stand up alone? NO. You need someone to support you… You need that 'push' wether be it a helping hand or an inspirational word. I just can't do it alone…

Until now i don't understand why God let this happen… But one thing is for sure if this is not from Him - He is bigger than my circumstances, He is bigger than my dreams and when He closes a door, He opens a gate. I will continue to trust in Him. BUT if this is FROM Him… Then i really better think twice and look deeper. He wouldn't let something like this happen if it wasn't for my own good…

Wait…

I think that's the point. The reason why i couldn't stand up again is that, I feel like God hates me for my imperfection… When the truth is, He loves me so much to the point that He wouldn't let me reach my dream unprepared. I mean who would let a warrior go out in the field without his shield and sword?

It takes time to polish a beautiful diamond. I guess my dream is as precious to God as it is for me, all i have to do now is trust in Him… All this time, when i thought He left me, when i thought that He didn't care, when i thought i wasn't good enough… He was actually trusting me. He knows that i could get thru this even if i don't. He knows that i will stand up even when i have given up. He knows me more than i know myself. I don't deserve this, but He gave it to me.

All i could do right now is thank Him.

Why blame everyone and complain about everything? When it's much more fulfilling and heartwarming to thank God despite everything? :) Trust His Heart… He knows what He's doing. :) And maybe... just maybe... He has a different, bigger dream for me. : )

(Art By www.orangebutt.deviantart.com)

Who’s Sitting in your heart’s throne?

I'm here, but I want to be there.

Have you ever felt like you were supposed to be somewhere else? It's like wearing a bathing suit in North Pole.

I've been with YWAM for almost four years now. I've always wanted to stay in YWAM. The adventure I've longed for is right there and it's all for God. :) I thought I was the one of the few who'd stay there, but no. God had other plans. I was one of the few who'd leave indefinitely.

I am now studying in a normal college. I'll be having a normal life for three years. Yes it's hard. I mean being able to be outside there! and now being stuck inside again. It's like being free and now being imprisoned again.

I was full of doubts. So full of questions. So full of disappointments. I obeyed God, but i reasoned a lot too. I wanted to be in that adventure! I wanted to climb that mountain.

Thing is.

I am not prepared. Yes the desire to climb that mountain is there. It's burning with passion. But what is that without the proper training? I cannot climb a mountain without proper training! Coz if i do, i'd fall down easily.

That is one thing that i couldn't accept. That I am not good enough. I am not trained enough… and then that's when i realized that I need to be humbled by Him. I was depending so much on my own will, my own strength, when i should be depending on Him. I focused so much on my calling that i forgot who called me.

I went to an evangelistic event yesterday. A talented street dancer gave his testimony and explained about our heart's throne. Who is sitting there, God or Me? As I was listening i was like… "This is for the unbelievers, i do hope they understand." The guy demonstrated it well. He pointed at a huge speaker and said, "…this is your throne." Then he sat down on the speaker,"… pretend that you're me and I am sitting on my throne." That struck me.

I am full of doubts lately.

Because the plans that i thought God made for me didn't push through. I'm in college now. I keep asking God why am i here, when i want to be out there, to reach out, through YWAM. I want to be out there. I want to do something out of the ordinary. I want this, I want that, I want... I realized, that the one that's sitting in my throne right now is 'me'. That message was for unbelievers, but it was a great reminder for the believers. I got so focused on my calling, that i forgot who called me. God is humbling me right now. He's humbling me BIG time.

God placed me in this school, for a reason. I will know that reason later on. But as on now, i should understand that I may not know His plans, but for sure, it's for the best. :)

It's hard. It's REALLY hard… but I know God wouldn't give me a challenge that i could not handle. God gave this challenge to me because He believes in me. He trusts me. All i have is Him. All i have is faith. I can do this by His grace.

I may not be where i want to be, but i know that I am where God wants me to be. :)

(Art By www.ferreson.deviantart.com)

Denied with a purpose

I was on my way to Kona to finish the second subject for my degree.

I know that once I step into Kona, my dreams are going to be reached step by step. I strongly believe that my calling will start there. Everything was going well, I got accepted to the university with a seventy percent scholarship! Not only that, people from my church was willing to support me financially! Prayers buried me alive! It was amazing! I just knew that I would get there. I just knew it. I had my whole faith into it. I let go of everything else just for that. If i had my own house, I would've sold it, that's how much I've let go of my everything. So I went to manila for the last step of getting to Kona. My visa. I knew in my heart that I will get it! but thoughts in my mind of getting denied wasn't absent as well. I had peace, I was happy to see the interviewer. I was excited, I was praying.

My Visa was denied.

What? Did you type it wrong shiriel? Nope. My visa got denied. D_E_N_I_E_D and believe me. It wasn't easy for me to accept that. I was a step away from reaching the first step of my dream. I couldn't understand at first, all I could do was cry. My faith was there, it was my key to going to Kona, it was one of the most important point of my getting to Kona.

Tears fell like crazy.

I didn't want to speak to anyone at all. Just a few. I wanted to isolate myself. I know it was my fault, i didn't question God as far as I remembered at that time. All i could think of is the "If only"s. My thoughts were killing me. I just asked God to help me. After that I slept. The denial haunted me like crazy. Every time I slept and woke up, depression hits me. Until now it hits me but it ain't as worse as before, I got to stand up now just because of the encouragements I have received.

I knew God was still in control.

I didn't question the fate I have faced, but I did question God about my next step. This denial was a great devastation for me. It shook me for awhile, but after two days of talking to God, to my dad, and encouragements from the people I love, I got to stand up firm again. I don't really remember when I began to stand up again, but i think i never fell down, I just paused, because God would NEVER let me fall. I know He's with me and He never left me. Everything is in His hands and I know He let this happen.

Got denied yet its not a waste.

My parents spent so much with this visa process. From the papers to the plane fares to personal needs. MY parents spent a lot and it wouldn't be that easy to raise that amount again. Yet there weren't mad at me, rather they were supportive and let got of that amount. A lot of people thought my trip, my expenses to the embassy was a waste of time. But no, it wasn't. It was a blessing in disguise. :)

From this experience, Wisdom came to strengthen my faith.

Now I am more eager and motivated to go to Kona. I got to fight my emotions and depression. I gained so much wisdom about this experience. This is the time where I really understood that God was still in control. It was this time when I realized that choosing to follow God isn't easy, but it is exciting and challenging. Following God is a SURE adventure. :) I now know how important this dream is for me. I know that God will move and I am excited to His Wonders and Glory. In other people's eyes it seems like a dead end, but it isn't. God is indeed GOD!

From the impossible God will reveal the extraordinary.

I won't give up! Not just yet! I have one more month to get to Kona. God called me and I will do everything I could to answer that calling! If all else fails by January, I know, I just know, that God is in control and He has my life all planned. He will never ever leave me and I just know that His plans are perfect. :) All I have to do is obey, trust and love God with all my heart. I will keep on PUSHING. I will not give up. I am more motivated now and I wouldn't allow that to disappear from my heart. I will Pray Until Something Happens In the Name of God!

Indeed in the end, it's all about God. :)

(art by http://ying-yu.deviantart.com/)

Chance

I am spiritually drained right now. I don't even understand my faith. It goes up and down. It's lukewarm. It's not right.

I had my eyes on a macbook pro of a close friend of mine. I wanted to buy it once i was sure that i could buy it. But when i was sure, somebody else bought it. Imagine how much tears ran down my cheeks. I was so hurt, I felt so stupid, I felt so lame. There was a chance and I let it go just because I wasn't sure. Just because I didn't have the means. Where the heck was my faith?

My friend offered his laptop to me, if i wanted to get it. We had a conversation once and he said that he already has a buyer. And that buyer had all the means of paying for it, but then my friend still told me that he wanted to sell it to someone who needs it, to the point that he actually told me that if I'll buy it i can pay it by parts. I didn't say anything.

Now I am regretting it.

I realized that it was my only chance of getting that laptop. That only chance and the chance would never ever come back again. I lost the chance, because of my ignorance, because of my doubts.

I cried and cried. That chance I had with my friend, that conversation came back to my thoughts over and over and over again. Each time crushing my heart, crushing my joy deep inside.

So finally i told my dad about it. Then my dad said something that made me calm down. He said "If it's for you it'll come back, if it not, that means something better is coming."

That calmed me down and made me think for awhile. That's when I realized something important.

I was focusing too much on what I need that i lost something more important than all of these. I lost my time with God. I lost time with my Creator, the giver of this gift. I lost time with someone who cares more than anyone else in this world.

I lost the chance with that laptop, I thought there would never be no hope no more. I saw how much a belittled my God. I saw how much I was depending on what the world can give. I lost my focus. I lost my very precious time with God.

God loves me so much and that blows my mind right now. Here I am worrying, doubting, crying, when God is there looking at me wanting to reach me out, wanting to touch me, wanting to give me the answer to my needs. But here i was neglecting him, ignoring Him. I got so sad, i got so depressed because I ignored the CHANCE, not knowing that I ignored my GOD. All i could do was repent. All i could do was cry in shame, all i could do was ask for forgiveness.

I was so focused on my little world, my concerns, my worries, my stress, my problems. While God is waiting for me to look to Him. I lost my focus. I forgot that I am doing all this for God alone. I forgot that I want to finish my schooling for God's Kingdom. I focused more on what I can do, rather than what God can do through me.

What are my ideas, what is my creativity? When the person to whom I am doing all of these is absent within my perspective. Right now as I am writing, my thoughts are still floating off. I don't know how to get it back down. I was too focused on what the world can give me, I lost what God would give me.

I lost my chance with the laptop? Compare that with I lost my time with God.

Right now someone just texted me and I read it. Where was my focus?! I should be focused here writing my heart out, writing my revelations about God. But no a simple txt distracts me. I want to cry, I want to grab the hand of God and never ever let it go.

I miss God. I miss Him so much. I want to say I love you to him from the deepest core of my heart.

Right now I don't even care about the laptop anymore, I don't care about the visa anymore. I don't care about the school anymore. I lost my precious time with God. What is more important than that? I don't care if I will go to Kona or not, whatever God wants I will kneel down. If i can't go I just know that God has better plans for me. God isn't like the people I know that promises me something and breaks it later on... No... God isn't like that. God keeps His promise, answers it His way, not mine.

I need time with God I need to talk to Him right now.

Shiriel

( Art by http://monimena.deviantart.com/ )

Little Miracles

A happy bright day.

The day came out perfect. I was happy, joyful. I had fun at work, had fun with my friends. It seemed like a perfect day, nothing could ever go wrong at all; well that's what i thought until the sun came down and evening greeted me with a dark cloud.

My eyes turned from white to red. Tears ran down my cheeks like crazy. I couldn't control the tears, the biting of my lips, the pain... Someone stole my cellphone. The cell that i just got a week ago. The cell that was the newest one of my moms', into which she gave me with no interest at all, zero percent, nada, it was her gift to me. The cell where my sim, since i was in high school, was in. The cell were I could contact my friends in no other way. The cell were i had my number which I've memorized over all these years... The cell which had the accessory I dreamt of giving my future one.

It wasn't just the ordinary cellphone. It was shiriel's cellphone.

Some people told me to just get a new one, get a new number, get a new phone, email all my friends. But they don't understand. It's just not that easy. That cell was given to me by my mom. Imagine, it's the newest cellphone of my mom and she gave it just for me! Then next thing she knows, it got stolen. That number was my identity in a certain degree. It was mine. My name is embedded all over that number. I just can't move on, but i know i could with God.

I was hurt, i could've blamed God, but rather i did something else.

The first thing i had in mind was God. I talked to Him, told Him to help me. Told Him how important that cell was to me. I cried and cried until i got in my room and brawled to God how much it hurts. I know it's just an object, but the thought behind that cell, the memory behind that cell, is the thing that makes it important and irreplaceable. I cried in great tears, i cried even harder when i felt God's presence in my room. He was there, He knew how i felt, He stayed with me. I cried and cried until i got tired.

I was blank. I didn't know what to do next. I didn't felt like sleeping.

It was almost morning and I didn't want to sleep. I talked to God... a thought came into my mind saying "Why didn't your God give your cell back? blame it all to Him, it was His fault, He let your cell get lost." but rather than listen to that voice... i praised God. I praised God even if it hurts so much. Why? because i just know He has a purpose. In every shortcoming i do, He replaces them with blessings into which i call little miracles. I was hurt but excited at the same time. I know God is always in control and it's only Him who could change my tears in great joy.

I sang and sang, even if the painful tears fell on my cheeks once again.

I felt Him. Its as if He wiped my tears, coz all of a sudden i smiled. I was happy and in pain. I smiled and thanked God for the future i couldn't see. Then i thought about why my cell got lost. I thought maybe its because I'm giving it more importance that God. That maybe its what i look for first early in the morning rather than Him. I didn't want that neither. I don't want anything that comes in between me and God. If i had to choose between my cell, my friends and God? Heh, it's too obvious to even try and weight it down. Or maybe i thought, that God would want to give me a better cell, a new number for a symbol of a new start; or maybe, God wanted me to think, to depend on Him.

This circumstance, this loss, made me think a lot.

The next morning i still couldn't believe i lost my cell. I knew that i was still depressed because i felt like wasting all my money. Good thing God helped me control it! I focused on my work, I was happy that day, at the same time sad deep within. Whenever i remember my cell, I pray to God and say "God is in control". I kept praying asking God to return my cell. I know how impossible it can be, but i just had my faith on that prayer, so i never stopped praying. (Now that I said this... I DO know how to pray in faith! haha i thought i didn't). I was happy that day, I was at peace. I was in God's hands.

Then suddenly a message on my other cell came in. It's my dad.

I had to read his message twice before it sank in. The person who got my cell, communicated back through my dad's cell. Saying he'll return my cell. I was in awe. I was surprised. If i could jump for joy at that moment i would, but i was in front of my boss. I couldn't believe it. The impossible became possible. I thanked God like crazy!!!!! haha. I was over joyed! I felt like i was in a dream! GOD IS IN CONTROL! i couldn't contain my joy! i sang, i worked harder with my work and couldn't wait till night came and get my cell back with my dad.

God is in control.

SO many things happened. I realized so many things. Yesterday my cellphone got stolen, Today I got it back. Amazing. Simply amazing. Now my cellphone is on my hands again. I contacted my friends and they were happy and surprised as well. God is amazing. He's just amazing. No prayer (IN FAITH) is never in vain.

I am so amazed. His grace, His love, His ways.

The time that my cellphone got lost, i realized a lot of things. One is, maybe God was testing me, and He knew i would pass. I realized just now how important God really is in my life, how i've matured and grown all these years.I realized that I have been depending on Him. It's such a lie that i thought my spiritual life is down. No it's not. It's actually getting stronger. The time my cell got lost, i realized that it's only God that matters, that God is my best friend, that God is with me, that God is alive in my life, that God is in control. Two, that in every darkness, problem, crisis in my life, i can praise God. If i could praise God in the smallest problems of life, what more in the bigger things of life?:) Everything starts from the smallest things. I've proven in myself that praising God in times of pain, suffering and every dark part of my life, changes a lot in me. Praising God at those times makes me realized so many things, makes me feel His soft touch and great and awesome love. It's really true that God is near to the broken-hearted.

God. I couldn't express myself more.

I could just go on and on and on about His love. I am just so amazed. He tested me, and i became stronger. I felt Him more than ever. God's ways are just soo amazing. This happening will be a part of my testimony. How God works in the most unexpected ways. From tears to great joy. From doubt to great faith! From pity to great confidence in Him. He's just so amazing. It's as if he poured alcohol on a big wound of mine. It hurts like crazy but heals fast with no scars.

The little miracles of life, are indeed the greatest of them all. The little miracles of life, that tells us that there is still hope for this world. The little miracles of life that tells us that God is in control. The little miracles of life that tells us to live. The little miracles of life that shows God's great love in this itty bitty world. The little miracles of life that inspires us. The little miracles of life that makes our hearts go lalala and makes our smiles reach our ears. God. grah. He's just so cool. x)

"He gives and takes away, still my heart will choose to say, blessed be the name of the Lord."

Yeah i got my cellphone back, but what i learned from this situation, this happening, this circumstance is far more priceless and far more memorable and irreplaceable. :)

God is always in control ^_^

(Art By www.crystaldragon.deviantart.com)

More Than This

I want something, something more than this.

That's what I have been murmuring lately. It's as if I want to see the world, i want to travel, i want to get out of my comfort zone, i want God to reign in me. I want to reach the world i see at my window. I want to be free, I want to explore, I want to discover who God is in His Creation...

I just want something more than this. I may sound like an ungrateful little brat asking her parents for more than what she has... but then i want to be honest with God... This is what i feel. I want to fly, i want to soar to the world. I just know God is way beyond what i can think of Him. I can't consume Him in a box. I know God is everywhere, God is in every country, every place, every era. I want to see those places, those museums, those natural parks. I want to reach and see God in a different level. I don't want to consume Him inside my home and my church. I want something more. More than i could ever imagine...

It's as if the kid inside of me wants to come out.

I feel like a little kid, excited to learn and see more new things. Excited and enthusiastic about what her teacher would show her. Like a little kid that tugs the father's shirt asking for more ice cream, if possible, all the flavors of the shop.

There's a kid inside of me who wants to dance, who wants to touch things that have never been touched, to uncover secrets only few knows about... A kid inside of m, who just longs to be with His father in Heaven...

I thought what i wanted was a man to bring me to different parts of the world.

But i was wrong, i wanted God, i wanted to be with myself or tag a friend along; but not a man. I want to explore the world, to taste different kinds of food to see the glory of God in every aspect in every perspective. To travel to show the love of God, to help, to minister, to be a light, to have time with God... :)

I just know there's something more, more than this.

We went to pearl farm today and wow, it's one of the most beautiful place I've ever been to. What i wouldn't forget even more is... I was watching an episode of "boys over flowers" it was the time when the guy brought the girl and her best friend to an island where the rest houses where above the seawater, it was like floating. Then I said "I want to go there, i wonder how it feels to be there..."

And pearl farm was so similar to the place that i saw in that korean series. I was speechless, i wanted to write something but i couldn't. The place was just too beautiful. It's as if the place i watched on TV suddenly came true!... God is amazing. I watched that korean series on the same week we went to pearl farm.

I'm getting a hold of this something new.

God is so good. His voice is getting stronger and clearer. I won't forget this instances where I'd murmur a wish in my mind or a prayer, then God would answer it in a very short period of time! Like i was once waiting for my friends and a friend of mine said there are silver taxis around town already. I said i never saw one, then i uttered a simple prayer asking God to show me one that morning (there were only a few taxis at that time) and in a couple of minutes a silver taxi passed by us! not only once but twice!

God does care about the details of my life.

He does care, He even hears my silent prayers, my vague wishes... He's answering them, His love is just so amazing. He has done so many amazing things.. This entry hasn't ended. I just have to sleep now; still... pearl farm, the korean series... Wow... God is so amazing... I feel so refreshed, I see my surroundings in a new perspective... Everything is just sooo... heavenly..:)

(Art By www.malta.deviantart.com)

Let it Go

Letting go, for now...

I have been writing letters and buying stuff for my future prince. I mean hey it's okay, but then i think I am too focused on my future prince. Once in awhile it's okay to remember him, but then everyday? I think that's a huge waste of time.

Why waste time, time is a gift.

I want to meet my prince so badly; but it was revealed to me that i won't get married until i turn 27. If for all those years I would focus on my future prince, i guess i won't be such a mystery for him anymore once we meet. I might show him who I am completely on our first meet and that's not as exciting as i know it can be.

Never spoil a surprise

I don't want people to easily picture me out; especially my future prince. So today, on June 13 2009 I will stop. I will stop dreaming about my future prince, for it is distracting me in a whole lot of way. It's as if I'm in a relationship now, my focus is so  divided. I want my focus on Christ alone. Christ is not my prince but my King, i better stick that in my brain.

God is my King, my prince is another thing

I want to feel God's amazing love completely and i believe letting go of my prince now is a wise choice.

My dear Prince, good bye for now, I will see you and talk to you once we meet. Let our love story be written by God and not by me. I want to seek God deeply and I need you to disappear for that. 

You are not needed for now

So from now on, I will place you in God's hands. I don't need a man in my life right now. Not now that God would work through me powerfully...:)

PS

Guardian Angel? Please drive away men from my life who is not my prince. Thanks :D

No man can turn this heart away from God.

                              Words have power. What more if it's a declaration? <3

(Art by http://cloudywolf95.deviantart.com)