Denied with a purpose

I was on my way to Kona to finish the second subject for my degree.

I know that once I step into Kona, my dreams are going to be reached step by step. I strongly believe that my calling will start there. Everything was going well, I got accepted to the university with a seventy percent scholarship! Not only that, people from my church was willing to support me financially! Prayers buried me alive! It was amazing! I just knew that I would get there. I just knew it. I had my whole faith into it. I let go of everything else just for that. If i had my own house, I would've sold it, that's how much I've let go of my everything. So I went to manila for the last step of getting to Kona. My visa. I knew in my heart that I will get it! but thoughts in my mind of getting denied wasn't absent as well. I had peace, I was happy to see the interviewer. I was excited, I was praying.

My Visa was denied.

What? Did you type it wrong shiriel? Nope. My visa got denied. D_E_N_I_E_D and believe me. It wasn't easy for me to accept that. I was a step away from reaching the first step of my dream. I couldn't understand at first, all I could do was cry. My faith was there, it was my key to going to Kona, it was one of the most important point of my getting to Kona.

Tears fell like crazy.

I didn't want to speak to anyone at all. Just a few. I wanted to isolate myself. I know it was my fault, i didn't question God as far as I remembered at that time. All i could think of is the "If only"s. My thoughts were killing me. I just asked God to help me. After that I slept. The denial haunted me like crazy. Every time I slept and woke up, depression hits me. Until now it hits me but it ain't as worse as before, I got to stand up now just because of the encouragements I have received.

I knew God was still in control.

I didn't question the fate I have faced, but I did question God about my next step. This denial was a great devastation for me. It shook me for awhile, but after two days of talking to God, to my dad, and encouragements from the people I love, I got to stand up firm again. I don't really remember when I began to stand up again, but i think i never fell down, I just paused, because God would NEVER let me fall. I know He's with me and He never left me. Everything is in His hands and I know He let this happen.

Got denied yet its not a waste.

My parents spent so much with this visa process. From the papers to the plane fares to personal needs. MY parents spent a lot and it wouldn't be that easy to raise that amount again. Yet there weren't mad at me, rather they were supportive and let got of that amount. A lot of people thought my trip, my expenses to the embassy was a waste of time. But no, it wasn't. It was a blessing in disguise. :)

From this experience, Wisdom came to strengthen my faith.

Now I am more eager and motivated to go to Kona. I got to fight my emotions and depression. I gained so much wisdom about this experience. This is the time where I really understood that God was still in control. It was this time when I realized that choosing to follow God isn't easy, but it is exciting and challenging. Following God is a SURE adventure. :) I now know how important this dream is for me. I know that God will move and I am excited to His Wonders and Glory. In other people's eyes it seems like a dead end, but it isn't. God is indeed GOD!

From the impossible God will reveal the extraordinary.

I won't give up! Not just yet! I have one more month to get to Kona. God called me and I will do everything I could to answer that calling! If all else fails by January, I know, I just know, that God is in control and He has my life all planned. He will never ever leave me and I just know that His plans are perfect. :) All I have to do is obey, trust and love God with all my heart. I will keep on PUSHING. I will not give up. I am more motivated now and I wouldn't allow that to disappear from my heart. I will Pray Until Something Happens In the Name of God!

Indeed in the end, it's all about God. :)

(art by http://ying-yu.deviantart.com/)

Chance

I am spiritually drained right now. I don't even understand my faith. It goes up and down. It's lukewarm. It's not right.

I had my eyes on a macbook pro of a close friend of mine. I wanted to buy it once i was sure that i could buy it. But when i was sure, somebody else bought it. Imagine how much tears ran down my cheeks. I was so hurt, I felt so stupid, I felt so lame. There was a chance and I let it go just because I wasn't sure. Just because I didn't have the means. Where the heck was my faith?

My friend offered his laptop to me, if i wanted to get it. We had a conversation once and he said that he already has a buyer. And that buyer had all the means of paying for it, but then my friend still told me that he wanted to sell it to someone who needs it, to the point that he actually told me that if I'll buy it i can pay it by parts. I didn't say anything.

Now I am regretting it.

I realized that it was my only chance of getting that laptop. That only chance and the chance would never ever come back again. I lost the chance, because of my ignorance, because of my doubts.

I cried and cried. That chance I had with my friend, that conversation came back to my thoughts over and over and over again. Each time crushing my heart, crushing my joy deep inside.

So finally i told my dad about it. Then my dad said something that made me calm down. He said "If it's for you it'll come back, if it not, that means something better is coming."

That calmed me down and made me think for awhile. That's when I realized something important.

I was focusing too much on what I need that i lost something more important than all of these. I lost my time with God. I lost time with my Creator, the giver of this gift. I lost time with someone who cares more than anyone else in this world.

I lost the chance with that laptop, I thought there would never be no hope no more. I saw how much a belittled my God. I saw how much I was depending on what the world can give. I lost my focus. I lost my very precious time with God.

God loves me so much and that blows my mind right now. Here I am worrying, doubting, crying, when God is there looking at me wanting to reach me out, wanting to touch me, wanting to give me the answer to my needs. But here i was neglecting him, ignoring Him. I got so sad, i got so depressed because I ignored the CHANCE, not knowing that I ignored my GOD. All i could do was repent. All i could do was cry in shame, all i could do was ask for forgiveness.

I was so focused on my little world, my concerns, my worries, my stress, my problems. While God is waiting for me to look to Him. I lost my focus. I forgot that I am doing all this for God alone. I forgot that I want to finish my schooling for God's Kingdom. I focused more on what I can do, rather than what God can do through me.

What are my ideas, what is my creativity? When the person to whom I am doing all of these is absent within my perspective. Right now as I am writing, my thoughts are still floating off. I don't know how to get it back down. I was too focused on what the world can give me, I lost what God would give me.

I lost my chance with the laptop? Compare that with I lost my time with God.

Right now someone just texted me and I read it. Where was my focus?! I should be focused here writing my heart out, writing my revelations about God. But no a simple txt distracts me. I want to cry, I want to grab the hand of God and never ever let it go.

I miss God. I miss Him so much. I want to say I love you to him from the deepest core of my heart.

Right now I don't even care about the laptop anymore, I don't care about the visa anymore. I don't care about the school anymore. I lost my precious time with God. What is more important than that? I don't care if I will go to Kona or not, whatever God wants I will kneel down. If i can't go I just know that God has better plans for me. God isn't like the people I know that promises me something and breaks it later on... No... God isn't like that. God keeps His promise, answers it His way, not mine.

I need time with God I need to talk to Him right now.

Shiriel

( Art by http://monimena.deviantart.com/ )

Little Miracles

A happy bright day.

The day came out perfect. I was happy, joyful. I had fun at work, had fun with my friends. It seemed like a perfect day, nothing could ever go wrong at all; well that's what i thought until the sun came down and evening greeted me with a dark cloud.

My eyes turned from white to red. Tears ran down my cheeks like crazy. I couldn't control the tears, the biting of my lips, the pain... Someone stole my cellphone. The cell that i just got a week ago. The cell that was the newest one of my moms', into which she gave me with no interest at all, zero percent, nada, it was her gift to me. The cell where my sim, since i was in high school, was in. The cell were I could contact my friends in no other way. The cell were i had my number which I've memorized over all these years... The cell which had the accessory I dreamt of giving my future one.

It wasn't just the ordinary cellphone. It was shiriel's cellphone.

Some people told me to just get a new one, get a new number, get a new phone, email all my friends. But they don't understand. It's just not that easy. That cell was given to me by my mom. Imagine, it's the newest cellphone of my mom and she gave it just for me! Then next thing she knows, it got stolen. That number was my identity in a certain degree. It was mine. My name is embedded all over that number. I just can't move on, but i know i could with God.

I was hurt, i could've blamed God, but rather i did something else.

The first thing i had in mind was God. I talked to Him, told Him to help me. Told Him how important that cell was to me. I cried and cried until i got in my room and brawled to God how much it hurts. I know it's just an object, but the thought behind that cell, the memory behind that cell, is the thing that makes it important and irreplaceable. I cried in great tears, i cried even harder when i felt God's presence in my room. He was there, He knew how i felt, He stayed with me. I cried and cried until i got tired.

I was blank. I didn't know what to do next. I didn't felt like sleeping.

It was almost morning and I didn't want to sleep. I talked to God... a thought came into my mind saying "Why didn't your God give your cell back? blame it all to Him, it was His fault, He let your cell get lost." but rather than listen to that voice... i praised God. I praised God even if it hurts so much. Why? because i just know He has a purpose. In every shortcoming i do, He replaces them with blessings into which i call little miracles. I was hurt but excited at the same time. I know God is always in control and it's only Him who could change my tears in great joy.

I sang and sang, even if the painful tears fell on my cheeks once again.

I felt Him. Its as if He wiped my tears, coz all of a sudden i smiled. I was happy and in pain. I smiled and thanked God for the future i couldn't see. Then i thought about why my cell got lost. I thought maybe its because I'm giving it more importance that God. That maybe its what i look for first early in the morning rather than Him. I didn't want that neither. I don't want anything that comes in between me and God. If i had to choose between my cell, my friends and God? Heh, it's too obvious to even try and weight it down. Or maybe i thought, that God would want to give me a better cell, a new number for a symbol of a new start; or maybe, God wanted me to think, to depend on Him.

This circumstance, this loss, made me think a lot.

The next morning i still couldn't believe i lost my cell. I knew that i was still depressed because i felt like wasting all my money. Good thing God helped me control it! I focused on my work, I was happy that day, at the same time sad deep within. Whenever i remember my cell, I pray to God and say "God is in control". I kept praying asking God to return my cell. I know how impossible it can be, but i just had my faith on that prayer, so i never stopped praying. (Now that I said this... I DO know how to pray in faith! haha i thought i didn't). I was happy that day, I was at peace. I was in God's hands.

Then suddenly a message on my other cell came in. It's my dad.

I had to read his message twice before it sank in. The person who got my cell, communicated back through my dad's cell. Saying he'll return my cell. I was in awe. I was surprised. If i could jump for joy at that moment i would, but i was in front of my boss. I couldn't believe it. The impossible became possible. I thanked God like crazy!!!!! haha. I was over joyed! I felt like i was in a dream! GOD IS IN CONTROL! i couldn't contain my joy! i sang, i worked harder with my work and couldn't wait till night came and get my cell back with my dad.

God is in control.

SO many things happened. I realized so many things. Yesterday my cellphone got stolen, Today I got it back. Amazing. Simply amazing. Now my cellphone is on my hands again. I contacted my friends and they were happy and surprised as well. God is amazing. He's just amazing. No prayer (IN FAITH) is never in vain.

I am so amazed. His grace, His love, His ways.

The time that my cellphone got lost, i realized a lot of things. One is, maybe God was testing me, and He knew i would pass. I realized just now how important God really is in my life, how i've matured and grown all these years.I realized that I have been depending on Him. It's such a lie that i thought my spiritual life is down. No it's not. It's actually getting stronger. The time my cell got lost, i realized that it's only God that matters, that God is my best friend, that God is with me, that God is alive in my life, that God is in control. Two, that in every darkness, problem, crisis in my life, i can praise God. If i could praise God in the smallest problems of life, what more in the bigger things of life?:) Everything starts from the smallest things. I've proven in myself that praising God in times of pain, suffering and every dark part of my life, changes a lot in me. Praising God at those times makes me realized so many things, makes me feel His soft touch and great and awesome love. It's really true that God is near to the broken-hearted.

God. I couldn't express myself more.

I could just go on and on and on about His love. I am just so amazed. He tested me, and i became stronger. I felt Him more than ever. God's ways are just soo amazing. This happening will be a part of my testimony. How God works in the most unexpected ways. From tears to great joy. From doubt to great faith! From pity to great confidence in Him. He's just so amazing. It's as if he poured alcohol on a big wound of mine. It hurts like crazy but heals fast with no scars.

The little miracles of life, are indeed the greatest of them all. The little miracles of life, that tells us that there is still hope for this world. The little miracles of life that tells us that God is in control. The little miracles of life that tells us to live. The little miracles of life that shows God's great love in this itty bitty world. The little miracles of life that inspires us. The little miracles of life that makes our hearts go lalala and makes our smiles reach our ears. God. grah. He's just so cool. x)

"He gives and takes away, still my heart will choose to say, blessed be the name of the Lord."

Yeah i got my cellphone back, but what i learned from this situation, this happening, this circumstance is far more priceless and far more memorable and irreplaceable. :)

God is always in control ^_^

(Art By www.crystaldragon.deviantart.com)

More Than This

I want something, something more than this.

That's what I have been murmuring lately. It's as if I want to see the world, i want to travel, i want to get out of my comfort zone, i want God to reign in me. I want to reach the world i see at my window. I want to be free, I want to explore, I want to discover who God is in His Creation...

I just want something more than this. I may sound like an ungrateful little brat asking her parents for more than what she has... but then i want to be honest with God... This is what i feel. I want to fly, i want to soar to the world. I just know God is way beyond what i can think of Him. I can't consume Him in a box. I know God is everywhere, God is in every country, every place, every era. I want to see those places, those museums, those natural parks. I want to reach and see God in a different level. I don't want to consume Him inside my home and my church. I want something more. More than i could ever imagine...

It's as if the kid inside of me wants to come out.

I feel like a little kid, excited to learn and see more new things. Excited and enthusiastic about what her teacher would show her. Like a little kid that tugs the father's shirt asking for more ice cream, if possible, all the flavors of the shop.

There's a kid inside of me who wants to dance, who wants to touch things that have never been touched, to uncover secrets only few knows about... A kid inside of m, who just longs to be with His father in Heaven...

I thought what i wanted was a man to bring me to different parts of the world.

But i was wrong, i wanted God, i wanted to be with myself or tag a friend along; but not a man. I want to explore the world, to taste different kinds of food to see the glory of God in every aspect in every perspective. To travel to show the love of God, to help, to minister, to be a light, to have time with God... :)

I just know there's something more, more than this.

We went to pearl farm today and wow, it's one of the most beautiful place I've ever been to. What i wouldn't forget even more is... I was watching an episode of "boys over flowers" it was the time when the guy brought the girl and her best friend to an island where the rest houses where above the seawater, it was like floating. Then I said "I want to go there, i wonder how it feels to be there..."

And pearl farm was so similar to the place that i saw in that korean series. I was speechless, i wanted to write something but i couldn't. The place was just too beautiful. It's as if the place i watched on TV suddenly came true!... God is amazing. I watched that korean series on the same week we went to pearl farm.

I'm getting a hold of this something new.

God is so good. His voice is getting stronger and clearer. I won't forget this instances where I'd murmur a wish in my mind or a prayer, then God would answer it in a very short period of time! Like i was once waiting for my friends and a friend of mine said there are silver taxis around town already. I said i never saw one, then i uttered a simple prayer asking God to show me one that morning (there were only a few taxis at that time) and in a couple of minutes a silver taxi passed by us! not only once but twice!

God does care about the details of my life.

He does care, He even hears my silent prayers, my vague wishes... He's answering them, His love is just so amazing. He has done so many amazing things.. This entry hasn't ended. I just have to sleep now; still... pearl farm, the korean series... Wow... God is so amazing... I feel so refreshed, I see my surroundings in a new perspective... Everything is just sooo... heavenly..:)

(Art By www.malta.deviantart.com)

Let it Go

Letting go, for now...

I have been writing letters and buying stuff for my future prince. I mean hey it's okay, but then i think I am too focused on my future prince. Once in awhile it's okay to remember him, but then everyday? I think that's a huge waste of time.

Why waste time, time is a gift.

I want to meet my prince so badly; but it was revealed to me that i won't get married until i turn 27. If for all those years I would focus on my future prince, i guess i won't be such a mystery for him anymore once we meet. I might show him who I am completely on our first meet and that's not as exciting as i know it can be.

Never spoil a surprise

I don't want people to easily picture me out; especially my future prince. So today, on June 13 2009 I will stop. I will stop dreaming about my future prince, for it is distracting me in a whole lot of way. It's as if I'm in a relationship now, my focus is so  divided. I want my focus on Christ alone. Christ is not my prince but my King, i better stick that in my brain.

God is my King, my prince is another thing

I want to feel God's amazing love completely and i believe letting go of my prince now is a wise choice.

My dear Prince, good bye for now, I will see you and talk to you once we meet. Let our love story be written by God and not by me. I want to seek God deeply and I need you to disappear for that. 

You are not needed for now

So from now on, I will place you in God's hands. I don't need a man in my life right now. Not now that God would work through me powerfully...:)

PS

Guardian Angel? Please drive away men from my life who is not my prince. Thanks :D

No man can turn this heart away from God.

                              Words have power. What more if it's a declaration? <3

(Art by http://cloudywolf95.deviantart.com)

It's Time.

I'm tired, I had enough, I'm making this choice.

Everybody treating me like a kid, seeing me as the little sister of all, the cute little girl, the anime lover who acts like a kid, the nineteen year old who's usually mistaken as the fourteen or sixteen year old, the girl who is too fragile to face the truth.

Don't get me wrong, I like how people treat me and how they see me, what i don't like is the last part.

"...the girl who is too fragile to face the truth."

I've been mean, I've been a brat, I've been spoiled, I've been irresponsible; yet no one dared tell me that something is wrong with me. I asked people, forced people to tell me what's wrong with me, yet no one dared tell me that I am wrong. I'm changing, not into a better person, but an irresponsible prideful kid. I know what's wrong with me but unless i hear it from someone else it won't take effect on me. I need the truth. I need someone to tell me I am wrong. I need it, I need to hear it from somebody else. To my great joy, someone did. Someone had the courage to tell me, someone cared enough for me to let me know the truth.

"...you became free but you lost the responsibility."

That's the exact words of my friend; a very dear friend to me. The moment i read that, my eyes really opened and great joy filled my heart. Someone finally took the courage to tell me the truth. It's music to my ears and comfort to my soul. It didn't pierce that deep, for I was ready to take it in, my shield was on. Now I have to fix this shallow wound of mine. I have to think. I have to think hard and deep. Who am I really? Am I just a kid? Am i really fragile? Who, What am I?

It's time to make a stand and show them who I am.

I am not fragile. I love hearing the truth, negative or positive, i take it in as gifts. Negative ones are greatly appreciated for it shows me that I am still human, i make mistakes, I am not perfect, I am growing up, I'm maturing. Though I don't take in negative ones from random people whom I am not that close with. I am not fragile and I am not stupid as well. It's time to make choices, wise choices. Life isn't all about "This is what I like, No it's MY schedule, it's ME, it's MINE, it's I...." It's time for me to forget about myself. I think I had enough of myself. I'm tired, I'm getting bored of just wanting what is best for me. I've had enough. 

I need to discipline myself.

Not everyone would be patient enough to understand me nor to adjust to my miscommunications, faults, or schedule. It's time to let my "Yes be Yes and my No be NO." I must stand up for God. It's time to be responsible. It's time to let Jesus take over. It's not me. It's Him. I've had enough of my selfishness. I need God, I need His Word, I need the truth. 

I do believe it's time to stop acting like a child and begin acting like a woman. I'm ready. I want to take the next step. I want to be a woman for God. I want to buy my own food, my own stuff. It's time to stop depending on others. It's time to work for what i want, for what others want. It's time to give it all It's time to share God's treasures to other people. It's time to take the lead. It's time to say YES to independency and NO to dependency. 

Grow up, but keep the child-like faith.

I want to act like a woman and act like myself when I am with the people i know. It's time to shine not for my own fame but for God's fame. It's time to be the example rather than the mistake. It's time to be wise rather than be whatever-comes. It's time to be a woman, to be respected for whom God made me to be. It's time to let the child-like faith reign all over me and let the childishness diminish. I want to be used to my highest potential, but i cannot do that without letting go of my childish ways. The time is NOW.

A leader is a leader, not because he has the skills or is he strong, but because he lowered himself down to rise the weak.

It's time to take responsibility. Sometimes its better to be kind rather than to be right. Integrity is not gained overnight but rather created one step at a time. Life isn't all about survival, it's about loving others and living for the people you love the most. Passion is the key to unlock dreams, but wisdom is needed to open the right door. Creativity is better than knowledge but creativity without wisdom is nothing but knowledge. Love isn't just a butterfly, it's also a caterpillar that takes time to work on the beauty it has deep inside. Music is food for the soul, but it is also the language that could be understood by everyone, even the uneducated. The tongue is a small thing but what enormous damage it can do. We have two ears and one mouth, Listen before you speak. A flower blooms in great beauty during the day, but what great beauty it could show when it rains; Sometimes the greatest experiences in life, happens when troubles come our way. 

We have two hands to work hand in hand, let it be the same with marriage.

Speaking of marriage; I am not ready to be in a relationship. I am not ready to care for someone deeply. I am not worthy enough. I want to be the best woman i could be for my future prince. I want to be the one who would complete him, nit the one who would ruin him. I need to learn how to trust first, i need to learn to take responsibility first. I want to be the best supporter for my future prince, not the perfect nagger. I want to be a queen to my king; I want to serve my future one with no complaints. I want to be a woman after God's own heart, that i may know how to serve my husband the way i was created in the first place...:)

                                                                                                                 

(Picture by http://r3novatio.deviantart.com )

Alien Hunky Jellies

I don't know what to write. Seriously.

It all started with the:

What's that Jelly thing? that looks so yummieh, flubby and strawberry-ish?

It was tempting. It was sooo flubby and wiggly.

I just had to taste it.

And i did.

It went straight to my throat. a "HUNK" of jelly went there.

Turned my hyperness on.

Loud laughers and weird stares i saw.

Uh oh. Not good.

Shut my mouth up.

It was not the normal jelly i have.

This one is stingy and fire-y.

I was so hyper that i slapped my friend's face with a ballon,

like a lot of times.

I felt like laughing. but had to stop. Too loud.

Good thing it was just a hunk of jelly.

Or else i'd go goodnight,

in the middle of the street.

Haha it was a memorable experience,

that i surely wouldn't do so often.

It's alien hunky jellies,

that can drive me crazy.

Little is okay, three or more is goodbye.

What the heck am i saying,

i should really go bye bye.

Do not take alien hunky jellies,

it'll give you itchy spots and reddish faces,

or bring forth corny jokes,

that makes you laugh out loud.

It'll shake your sight for awhile,

then give out a loud laugh.

be careful or else,

too much itchiness might come.

I'll end now, or i'll never end.

Random entry i know,

Don't even ask why.

<3